Episode Two: Tea Time, Jambalaya, and Dr. Dolittle

We are two weeks into the semester and Teagan has been in more arguments than I can count. First someone is staring at her and then someone is stepping on her shoes, I really wish people would just recognize when a bad b**** is coming their way! I swear if another person tells me my roommate is crazy I’m going to slap them.

 I get it; she is slightly- okay, okay very aggressive but she means well, I guess. Maybe everyone from The Bronx isn’t this maniacal. All of this may sound harsh but I’m used to being around pretty chicks that like to get money and read books; that’s why I invited my girl Dash to sleepover.

 I could really use a chill, study slumber party with all the drama and tension Teagan has brought in my life. What could go wrong, Dash and I are only going to have a little “tea” time, look over some of Dr. Howard’s chemistry notes, and eat all this junk food so we can gain this freshman fifteen everyone talks about so I can be fine. Volleyball  already has ya’ girls lady curves on fleek so bring on the booty!

Dash: “Hello, did you not hear me knocking?”

Jersee: “My bad, Dash. I was totally in the bathroom. Why are you yelling anyway, I left the door cracked for you to get in.”

Dash: “Can you stop talking and grab these bags Jersee!!! I have to pee so freaking bad!!!”

Jersee: “Ha Ha! You’re lucky it’s Friday. That’s the only day I actually like you.


*Dash uses & exits bathroom*


Dash: “So who’s your roommate? I don’t think you’ve ever mentioned her.”

Jersee: “Uh, Teagan.”


Jersee: “Oh I see you’ve met her.”

Dash: “Met her, no. Heard of her, yes. Is her attitude that bad?”

Jersee: “Not really”

Dash: “Are you lying?”

Jersee: “No, I just think she’s misunderstood.”

Dash: “I heard some girls from New Orleans are planning to jump her”

Jersee: “Oh my gawd! This tea is too hot! I wasn’t ready girl. You’ve got to warn me before you spill tea like that.”

Dash: “You are too foolish Miss Jersee! But for real. I bet she’ll stop popping off at the mouth once she takes this L.”

Jersee: “Alright now, not too much on roommate. You don’t know her like that.” 


*10:30 – 1:00 in The Cafe Saturday..*


After that conversation with Dash last night I have been wondering if I should tell Teagan about those peons trying to scale the walls of the palace or let her learn her lesson. Sometimes experience is the best teacher.  Don’t get me wrong, I know she’s my roommate but she’s got to change. 

No one can be that petty forever. It’s like why be petty and fight when you can throw shade and watch everyone else fight. Well I think I’ll just tell her and see how it goes.


Jersee: “Teagan are you in the café alone?”

Teagan: “Yea, why?”

Jersee: “Come eat with me so we can have a little chat roomie.”

Teagan: “Eh okay Jersee. Stop being so extra though, please.”


See that right there, that’s exactly why we have to talk. Sometimes she just says things that she shouldn’t. At this point I’m contemplating letting her catch the fade. Honestly, if she flips out on me again I might have to show her how I get down. 

But I digress, I am just going to brush it off and keep a cool head, after all one of us has to be the rational one. She’s the bite and I’m the bark. But don’t get it twisted I’ll bite too, I’m from the I wish a b**** woods (woulds). 



*Friday night in bed*


Change isn’t easy. I promise I am trying to be mindful of my words, actions, and resting b**** face but baby (New Orleans accent), it’s hard! I’ve already had to expose some of my Bronx this morning and it’s only 9:37 am. 

Who wants to try someone this early, and then it’s a professor like girl, a degree don’t keep my foot out your a**.  Let me chill. Let me chill. I’ve been working on my attitude though. I try to set the tone for my day in the morning, and blah blah, Jersee’s advice. 

I start off positive and stuff, but then these freaking females piss me off. You know one girl stepped on my 14’s two days ago? I went off but what I should’ve done was make her clean it on spot. I believe I handled that situation very well though.

 I can hear my Mommie saying it now, “Teagan darling, you are going through a major culture shock at Grambling and you are using your attitude as a form of acting out. Be mature, be the adult you know you are.” 

She’s right though. I can’t talk a good game on how I’m trying when my actions don’t match up with it. I have work to do. First, I’ll start with my relationship with Jersee. Hopefully she enjoys my crazy company. Hopefully.


*10:30 AM – 1:00 PM Saturday Morning in the cafe*


I don’t mind eating alone. I’m use to it. My parents were always at work so I had to grow up pretty fast. I think I saw Jersee walk in. Now would be a great time to start off this new friendship. But how? Do I just say hi? I don’t know how to be friends with anyone, specifically females. They are so, extra. Just too much.


*Jersee calls* Speak of the devil and he shall appear…


Teagan: “Why is the food in the cafe so crappy son? Can I get some oxtail and pigeon peas and rice.”

Jersee: “If they cook jambalaya or red beans and rice one more time I’m going to lose it!”

Teagan: “Without Perv de Irv making the pasta every now and then I would never eat. He makes your pasta like it’s his.”

Jersee: “Youknowdatt!”

Teagan: So what’s good ma?”

Jersee: “This the best conversation we’ve ever had.”

Teagan: “Yeah I know right. It’s because you’re not being extra.”

Jersee: “Way to crap on the mood Tea. But on a more serious tip, there is a group of chicks from New Orleans planning to jump you.”

Teagan: Jump who? You can’t be talking about me?

Jersee: “Yes you. I think your bad attitude and your hostile nature is really getting on people’s nerves. I’ll just keep it 100 and say its childish and it makes people want to fight you.”

Teagan: “Well damn Jersee, that was real. I didn’t expect that from you. But I feel you. I was just telling myself the same thing last night.”

Jersee: “So what’re you going to do about the chicks from Nola?”

Teagan: “Since fighting got me kicked out of NYU I’m really not trying to get booted out of Gram. I’ll just keep it cute or put it on mute.”

Jersee: “Ha Ha! Right but if they do try something somebody has to get us dragging them on video and Don’t Play gotta be playing in the background.”

Teagan: “You so stupid man! But that’s cool, Dee Jackson so trill for that one! Wait!? Did you say us?”

Jersee: “You didn’t think I was going to let you get jumped did you? You’re still my roommate.”

*Later that Saturday*

And just like that GSU just got so much better, despite the fact that some scary fees are trying to be “Boosie”. I guess Miss Jersee isn’t so bad either, she’s actually way cooler than I thought. 

Voice: “Don’t let Miss Jersee fool you.”

Teagan: “What? Who said that.”

Voice: “Me.”

Teagan: “Uh me who? I definitely don’t see anyone.”

Voice: “Me, over here.”

Teagan: “Muffin?”

Muffin: “Well hello! I was waiting on you at the door.”

Teagan: “MUFFIN!!!”

Muffin: “Can you please stop freaking out, I need to go out! I held this pee the entire day. It’s hard trying to hide from RAs when you really gotta go out and you’re fighting the urge to bark. You humans have no respect for me. You purposely leave water bottles on the floor just so I can drink from them and then you leave me in the room all day too torture my bladder for fun. I’m so close to turning myself in because living with the two of you hormonal teenagers is an episode of American Horror Story and surely being confined to a cage at the local animal shelter has got to be like the four seasons.”

Clearly the cafe is drugging us because there is no way Muffin is talking to me. I know I’m tripping as a matter of fact, I have to be because dogs don’t talk and I’m not Dr. Dolittle. 

Muffin: “Are you going to let a b**** out or nah?”